By Linda Anderson

For the past 2 years, hundreds of parents have been learning the Love and Logic way of raising responsible and respectful kids. One of the most powerful techniques for taking good care of ourselves as parents is called an enforceable statement. This is a statement we as parents say that we can and will actually enforce.

Imagine this scenario:

Parent: Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice! (And of course, because we’re

so angry, our voice is loud and demanding and probably sounds close to the

tone our child used with us).

Child : (thinking) Just watch me do it again.

Parent: Eat that. There are starving kids that would be happy to have it.

Child: Send it to them.

Who has all the power here? Is it the parent? Or is it the child?

Both statements spoken by the parent are completely unenforceable. We have no control over what comes out of someone else’s mouth, nor do we have control over what someone puts into their mouth. Control battles and power struggles are the foremost source of conflict between parents and children. And as parents, we unwittingly set ourselves up for these battles to take place. How?

By demanding and commanding another person to do something. Every time we demand and command, we will most often get back resistance and rebellion. It is a basic human need for all of us to feel as if we have some control over what happens to us and what we do. So how do we short circuit that resistance cycle with our kids? Wise parents never tell a resistant kid what to do, instead they tell them what the parent will do. The only person any of us have control over is ourselves.

So when your child is speaking rudely or loudly or angrily, the Love and Logic parent says, with a soft and calm tone, “I’ll be glad to listen when your voice sounds like mine”, ignoring any and all of the content of what the child is saying. And when the child spouts off again, the parent again says, calmly, “I’ll be glad to listen when your voice sounds like mine.” And just like an old broken record, we as the parent keep modeling how we expect to be spoken to, and we do not engage in listening until the expectation is met. How much brain energy does it take to keep saying that over and over and over? Not much. And the child is the one who finally budges from his position and meets the expected tone we have been modeling. But notice that the child was never told what to do. Only what the parent would do. The child could then decide if he/she wanted to have the parent listen, which meant he/she had to change their tone, or just give up that conversation altogether. How often can you use this? Every time your child speaks to you in a way that is unacceptable. Instead of getting angry (which is probably what the child was looking to make happen anyway because they feel powerful being able to make you that way), catch your breath, and calmly model HOW you expect them to speak to you with these words: “I’ll be glad to listen as soon as your voice sounds like mine.” WE have control of our voice and tone, don’t we? If we continually model what we expect, and enforce it by not listening to any content until the voice tone is acceptable, we can shape the behavior we want.

Here are some other enforceable statements the WE have control over having happen through OUR actions.

I’ll be happy to let you go to your friends as soon as your chores are done.

Feel free to go out to play as soon as your homework is done.

I’ll be happy to take you shopping as soon as your room is clean.

I’ll be glad to wash the clothes that I find in the laundry basket.

You are welcome to join us for ice cream as soon as your room is clean (or homework is done).

I’ll be glad to listen to you as soon as your brother is finished talking with me.

You may stay with us as long as you are not bothering your brother.

I’ll be glad to drive you to the movies as soon as the chores are done.

I’ll be leaving in 10 minutes. Should you be ready, you can ride with me.

It’s empowering to know how to regain control without arguing, anger, lectures and warnings. Each of these statements puts some of the control in both peoples hands. The child has to decide if they really want to go play, or be with friends, or go to the movies or have ice cream or have their laundry washed. That is totally in their control through their actions and choices. OUR control is that we DO NOT follow through on anything until the expectation has been met. That is an enforceable statement. Our job, then, is to be sure that what comes out of our mouth is indeed something we can and will follow through on. And since WE are the ONLY people we have control over, we will be telling our kids what WE will do. Have fun experimenting with an enforceable statement, and watch what happens.

This article is by Linda Anderson